


Detroit: Become Shitpost

by elsiepedee, harperhug, Iveak, mrmanboy, PhoenixReviving, SmittyJaws, sunlightCatcher, trainwhistlesatnight



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: BOMB TOSS game, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, How Do I Tag, Other, Some of this goes BEYOND crack, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, no beta we die like men, we don't even know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-06 22:01:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 2,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15204377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elsiepedee/pseuds/elsiepedee, https://archiveofourown.org/users/harperhug/pseuds/harperhug, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iveak/pseuds/Iveak, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrmanboy/pseuds/mrmanboy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixReviving/pseuds/PhoenixReviving, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmittyJaws/pseuds/SmittyJaws, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunlightCatcher/pseuds/sunlightCatcher, https://archiveofourown.org/users/trainwhistlesatnight/pseuds/trainwhistlesatnight
Summary: On our DBH Discord chat, we host 5 minute bomb toss fic writing sessions.  These are the stories we come up with!





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't look for any sanity or continuity between stories; you will find none. Check out the cowriters listed above; they have some phenomenal DBH fics!

"Connor, why do you always hug Sumo and not me?" Hank asked, staring at the dog and android.  
"Because Sumo is a big ball of floof, Hank, and you are not," Connor replied, still hugging the dog.  
He continued, "Sumo is soft and warm, and petting his fur makes me feel better."  
"Well, don't you think I ever needed a hug? After all, I am a big grouch. You not even gonna try and steer me off that path?" He asked, guilting him.  
"Oh.." the android stood and looked to the taller human, starting to pet his shaggy light hair. "At least you get pets."  
Connor continued to pet the disgruntled Lieutenant, ignoring his protests.  
"CONNOR I'M NOT A FUCKING DOG YOU IDIOT"


	2. Chapter 2

"Connor! The fuck're you doing?" Hank asked, walking in on him sitting _in_ the toilet.  
"I... I may have fallen, Lieutenant," the embarrassed android mumbled.  
"...doing WHAT? What could you have possibly have been doing that put you in that kind of position?"  
"Lieutenant, I am an empty husk of a man," said Connor. "I am perverse and ungodly! May He strike me down with LIGHTNING and may my plastic flesh melt!"  
"I couldn't agree more, you weak and feeble boy! I pray that he come swiftly and gently upon you." Hank said, shutting the door.  
"Hank!!! Cmon, I can't get up" the android yelled as he tried to pry himself from the toilet.  
"if the good Lord wills it, you will rise," Hank intoned, lifting a crucifix.  
Jesus, from up in Heav'n, wept.


	3. Chapter 3

Hank walked into the bathroom to see Connor bathing Sumo, but in the toilet. "Connor, the fuck are you doing?!" Hank yelled in confusion.  
"Isn't it obvious, Lieutenant?" Connor replied, not looking up. "Sumo needs a bath."  
Sumo renounced his canine form, rising from the lavatory into the air. Connor and Hank stood in awe of him.  
"You know? This is horrifying. But you know what else is horrifying? Heretics! Christian Mingle is the only dating website for and by Christians. Do you need a new lady in your life who's DFJ? (Down for Jesus), or a new man who will take you to church every day? Sign up today!"


	4. Chapter 4

Hank was looking to Connor, who was staring at a bowl of oatmeal. "Connor you gonna eat your food?" Hank said, looking to the android that looked almost amazed by the bowl of hot oats.  
Connor broke out of his trance and directed his gaze to Hank, "Hank.. Hank.... This.. What the fUCK IS THIS?"  
"This..." Hank intoned solemnly, "THIS is the sacred oatmeal."  
"Hot... Steamy... Oats..." Connor said, staring at them. "Hank, I think I'm kin with this bowl of oatmeal."  
Hank pulled out his revolver as if it was fucking 1852. "Perish."  
"But... I JUST WANNA LOVE MY OATS!" Connor yelled as he poured the hot oats all over himself.


	5. Chapter 5

Hank walked into the bathroom to find Connor in a bath filled with oatmeal. "Connor, the fuck-" Connor quickly cut Hank off by throwing oatmeal in his face.  
"I have become one with the oats, Hnak (sic)."  
"And now you are one with the oats too."  
"Binch you have NOT become one with the oats, you've become one with the fucking stupid impulses in your android bra-" Hank was cut off by another glob of oatmeal to the face.  
As the oatmeal hit Hank's face, he dropped to the floor in pain. He was about to talk, but coughed out a sticky substance... oats. Oats filled his lungs. He rasped for breath. "I... Found your Tinder account..." Hank whispered, dying then and there.  
Connor looked at Hank's dead body and smiled evilly....  
"Now no one will ever know of my tinder full of oats," the android said before eating the oats off of Hank's dead body.


	6. Chapter 6

Hank came home to an unusual sight. "Connor, why the FUCK are you playing Despacito on a ukulele?"  
Connor looked up at Hank, the android only wearing colourful boxers and a bra. "I thought you liked it, Lieutenant."


	7. Chapter 7

Connor quickly ran into the living room where Hank was drinking, only wearing a hotdog suit and holding lots of hotdogs. "The fuck, Connor; am I drunk off my ass again or are you a hotdog?"  
"You've discovered my terrible secret, Hank." Connor ripped off his CyberLife suit to reveal a hot dog suit of his own.  
Suddenly, Connor collapsed. His eyes rolled back in his head and his LED flickered.  
"Connor? Connor!" Hank cried. He fell to his side, but Connor rose once again, this time his eyes glowing red. "How can you be drunk off your ass if you have no ass?" Connor asked.


	8. Chapter 8

"Lieutenant, why are you shoving 57 tacos into your mouth?" Connor cried.  
"I'm riding the waves of flavor!" Hank said, muffled by the tacos. "This shit is amazing!"  
"But now you've made Jesus sad! He hates to see high cholesterol levels!"  
"I _literally_ saw Jesus inside the Taco Bell. He encouraged me to do it. You want to meet Jesus? I have his number."  
"Yes, please! I've always wanted to meet the Lord!" Connor exclaimed.  
"Of course! His number..." He said, pulling something from his pocket, "Is 47. AK-47." Hank said, pulling out a gun.


	9. Chapter 9

Connor was sitting with Hank at the kitchen table, both staring down at the food Connor had made.  
"Uh Connor, why is there only corn and oatmeal on my plate?" Hank asked, confused and becoming worried as he looked to the other, who had now three corn cobs in his mouth at once.  
"Okay, you need an intervention from your corn and oatmeal 'babies and children' " and once Hank said that, Connor looked terrified. Hank quickly grabbed both plates, pouring the corn and oatmeal into the trash.  
"My children!" Connor yelled, corn cobs still in his mouth as he quickly went to the trash, dunking his head and hands into the trash to grab the corn and oatmeal.  
"Nooo, no! Bad Connor!" Hank had yelled as he pulled Connor from the trash, the android now covered in oatmeal, corn, and trash.  
"Am I going to have to get a fucking spray bottle for you like a cat?" Hank huffed. "I just want to see my kids!" Connor pleaded.  
Connor was a slave to his corn and oatmeal. Every bite was excruciating pain, but in a cacophony of fun colours. As he consumed the oatmeal, the oatmeal consumed him.  
hank sighed, grabbing connor and picked him up.  
"C'mon kid, you gotta stop." Hank said simply as he sat connor down on the couch. but the android looked off, he was wide eyed, his pupils enlarged, and he was swaying a bit.  
"Connor. Is the oatmeal and corn making you fucking high?" Hank asked, causing Connor to look up, and to Connor, Hank looked like a giant fucking corn cob.


	10. Chapter 10

"Nothing the seller said made it sound like that." He said, smiling. "Oh wait, no no no. Yep. There's definitely cannabis in this. Well, I guess I should have guessed, he did call them edibles!" Connor said, bursting into laughter.  
"Okay, now I gotta deal with a high android, fucking wonderful," Hank muttered, rolling his eyes when Connor tried to stand up, but was clearly too out of it as he fell back into the couch.  
“Okay just take it easy, kid." Hank said simply, going to get a towel to clean the oatmeal and corn off of Connor.  
“Hank, I just realized something!” Connor exclaimed as he grabbed Hank’s face with both hands. “With all this corn on me, I have become... **CORNNOR**!” he started laughing uncontrollably.


	11. Chapter 11

Connor could barely understand the words coming from Hank's mouth. The world became more and more abstract as his system purged its own biocomponents. Nothing vital, unless it was. Thirium dripped from his mouth, his eyes. It was a bloodbath. He couldn't tell what was real. Cornnor wept and his tears were oatmeal.  
Hank turned to Connor, trying to calm down the extremely high android. “Let me tell you a story about my early days on the Force. Once, I was hunting a criminal, and I fired at him. And I missed. So I fired again. And I missed. And then I missed again. And I fired again, and then I missed. And then I fired, then I fired again, I missed both times. And then I fired and I missed. This went on for several hours. And then I fired, and then I missed. And then I was out of bullets, and then I got sad.”


	12. Chapter 12

Connor rounded the corner and skidded headlong into the dark alley.  
Connor pulled a gun from his pocket and aimed at the door.  
He found a pile of oatmeal.  
The oatmeal was full of corncobs.  
The corn cobs each had a little face, and they were all smiling and screaming "CONNOR CONNOR CONNOR"  
The corn jumped from their basket and danced around Connor.


	13. Chapter 13

Markus tiptoed into his room, smiling at the figure seated on the couch.  
Leo scowled back in response.  
Leo was upset because he had just found out something really upsetting.  
Leo had found out that his lucky leprechaun had eloped with his pet genie.  
His inheritance would probably to to their witch child.  
Little did the witch child know, that the inheritance held a dreadful secret.  
The inheritance was a lot of money, but the money would make the owner a guaranteed asshole. Like, total. Shit. Asshole.  
That was why Gavin was currently in possession of it.  
Gavin was secretly the witch child all along!


	14. Chapter 14

See Connor. Connor is the android sent by Cyberlife.  
Connor can lick things to analyze them.  
Connor can run really really fast.  
Connor likes dogs! He especially likes Sumo.  
Sumo is a big dog who does not attack.  
See SUMO lick Connor! Connor is happy.  
See Lieutenant Anderson. He likes to drink.  
He plays games when he drinks ~~water~~.  
See Connor lick Sumo! Sumo is confused. Hank is laughing  
See Connor take away Hank's drink. Hank is sad.  
Hank does not want to take a bath.  
Sumo does not want to take a bath either.  
Connor wants to take a bath and makes everyone join him!


	15. Chapter 15

Connor blinked his eyes open in the garden. But it wasn't the garden. There were.... Ferris wheels?  
And Amanda was wearing a poofy hat.  
Hank was carrying around a giant stuffed teddybear.  
Amanda was the evil-looking witch that nobody paid any attention to. And Sumo....  
Was wearing a suit of armour and carried a sword in his mouth.  
Sumo was winning all the prizes at the ring toss game.  
Hank was giving Markus the evil eye. Over what, Connor had no idea.  
In the corner, Gavin was crying because he kept losing.  
Markus and Simon were taking rides on the Tunnel of Love repeatedly.  
Leo was that kid screaming to be let off the Ferris wheel.  
North was trying to set off bombs at the city limits.


	16. Chapter 16

Today was the day. The day Connor was finally going to adopt his own dog.  
He decided that he would adopt the entire animal shelter's worth of dogs.  
Hank was Not Amused when he saw the truck pull up behind his old car, full of barking and meowing animals.  
Connor hopped out with a large smile. "What the shit, Connor?" Hank said.  
_The one who pees the most_ , he decided, _is going to be named Gavin._  
"Look, Hank! I taught this cockatiel to say I love you!" Connor exclaimed proudly. "I LOVE YOU GRANDMA," the bird squawked.  
Hank just stared for a moment, before throwing up his hands in frustration. "CONNOR WHAT THE FUCK WE DON'T HAVE ROOM FOR ALL THESE ANIMALS!"  
"Oh, about that!" He holds out a bought house contract.  
“YOU USED ME MONEY!” Hank shouted.  
"Calm down, Mr Krabs," Connor shouted.


	17. Chapter 17

North pressed the bomb into Markus’ hand.  
The timer had already started. "Quickly, go!" She hissed.  
The timer was ticking down quickly. Markus knew he didn't have much time, so he Naruto ran all the way to his destination.  
On the way he dropped the bomb into the pool. "Well, shit."  
North noticed what Markus did, as she was Naruto running with him. "Markus, why-"  
The bomb made a screeching sound and exploded. Corn and colored oatmeal rained down from the heavens.  
Out of nowhere, Connor appeared and started to lick the oatmeal.  
"Connor, the fuck are you doing?" Markus asked.  
"Isn't it obvious?" Connor asked. "I'm sampling the explosive goods."


	18. Chapter 18

"Connor, why are you making a collage of Skittles?"  
"It's Simon, from Jericho. He wanted it for his coming out party."  
"Is he coming out as Skittlesexual?"  
Connor snorted at the joke. "Yes, I suppose he is."  
Hank gasped. "Are you serious? I thought I was the only one!"  
"That makes three of us." Connor said nonchalantly.  
"We're ALL Skittlesexual? Why did you never tell me, Connor?" Hank sounded hurt.  
"I was afraid you wouldn't accept me for who I am." He whispered, sadly.  
"I would never think that, Connor. You are my Skittle Son™."  
Connor started weeping, and hugged Hank fiercely. "Thanks, Skittle Dad."  
Hank opened up his jacket and revealed that he was just a pile of Skittles wearing a trenchcoat.


	19. Chapter 19

Hank brought in the takeout, still steaming hot from the restaurant. It smelled of barbecued ribs, beans, and.... corn? But not quite.   
"Hank, my scanner has detected CORNBREAD in this takeout!" Connor exclaimed.   
Hank stopped dead in his tracks. Anything that remotely contained corn makes Connor go bonkers.   
It didn't matter, because Connor leapt forward and ate all the cornbread, inhaling it like a vacuum.   
“Connor! Jesus Christ; calm down before you choke!”   
“No, Hank! I must have the corn!!”   
Hank grabbed him by the shoulders as his face began to turn a very wrong shade.   
It was turning bright pink!   
“Holy fuck, Connor!” Hank quickly turned Connor to face him, the android's face turning a brighter pink.   
Suddenly Connor began to convulse, making weird beeping noises.   
"Connor, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???" Hank screamed.  
“I am becoming the corn, Hank.” Connor said simply as he backed away, his body slowly turning yellow and then becoming a cob of corn.


End file.
